The stuff in the box

So, now you’re up to speed. We have a box of stuff, a screwdriver, a pair of wire cutters, and our wits. And a Bakugan™. Hey, we all have to make compromises. But more to the point, let’s just skip the dumb stuff like the unboxing, and the sorting, and the safety precautions. That stuff is for clowns. Besides, after four blogs, I figure we all just want to get down and dirty, right? RIGHT. SO, LET’S DO THIS.

This is our dog playing checkers.

But I digress.

Alright, the first thing we had to do was grab the motherboard. Actually, the first thing we had to do was let Sadie out of her holding chamber, but that is more a family issue. So, with the motherboard unboxed and staring impatiently at us, we decided to move forward with installing the processor. This is the part where the pictures start to make sense.

Computers actually have surprisingly small brains.

“Installing a processor” really sounds like an impressive thing to do, but it’s actually disappointingly simple. In fact, even a child could do it. A child did do it. But that was mainly because I couldn’t get the box open. Here’s the box, bytheway, for those of you into cardboard.

Enjoy.

Don’t try this at home

So, how did we manage this feat? I dunno, I was making Cheeseburger Helper at the time. But Sadie claims that it was a fairly straightforward process. First, we noted the shape of the processor—squarish. And then we found the spot on the motherboard that looked sort of squarish, also. We poked and pulled at this region until it was either open or broken. It looked like this.

I highly recommend letting someone else do it.

Once it was good and mangled, we tried to fit the processor into the slot. This should have been no problem, as it was shaped a little like a puzzle piece. However, I have been out of the puzzle scene for a while. That said, Sadie seemed to have no real issue with it; she especially enjoyed closing the lever. And really, that’s why we invented levers, I think. Because who doesn’t like closing a lever?

Today's connection—the word "leverage". Ponder it.

See that? She used "leverage".

And that was that.

This processor could probably build a Jermaine.

We also installed a bracket to hold the CPU cooler (helps keep things copacetic with the processor). Again, our CPU cooler is pretty outlandish, but I guess that’s just how Sebastian rolls.

They call it the "backing plate". It goes on the back.

Snug as a bug.

This side probably makes more sense.

Next, it was on to the RAM. Ours was heavy and fancy-looking. But apparently that’s just how Sadie rolls. Again, we diagnosed the situation. Where looks like a fun place for these? The plate of spaghetti was actually a fun place for them, but note that it voids your warranty. We finally settled on our second option—the RAM slots.

If you look closely, you might see the meatball marinara.

I had just asked her if I could buy a vowel.

Get in my belly

With the processor and RAM installed on the motherboard, we decided to move things into our case. This involved some screws, a woman’s razor, high voltage danger, and two police officers. What follows is a pictorial montage documenting the event.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

This is where we could have died.

These little plugs are so cute.

This is extra juice for the processor. I'm thirsty.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: For those of you thinking, “Um, where did all those power cords come from?” You ask a very fair question. I don’t know why you want to expose me in my own blog, the one place where I can find the respect of my peers and loved ones, but that is your own issue that you will take with you to your grave.

Anywho. Yes, we did omit one section of the pictorial documentary, because we forgot to take some pictorials. These cords are coming from the power supply, which you will see in the finished pictures. Some cases come with power supplies, and installing one is not hard at all. So long as you have a bowl of parsnips and a slap bracelet.

The rest of it

Once the motherboard was in the case, the hard part was over. Well, that’s a lie. It wasn’t hard. Sadie knocked it out in 18 hours with no breaks. That said, there were just a few more things to address. We had to install our video card, our DVD drive, and our hard drive. You’ll notice there are no pictures of the actual installation of the hard drive. Why this is I couldn’t tell you. Well, I could tell you, but it would be embarrassing. So. On to our second photo montage.

That's a monstrous thing, isn't it?

Those little slots on the back come off?

This where the video card will live one day. Today, actually.

This is the equivalent of two XBOX 360's. Heehee.

Yes, it takes up two slots. But it's not nice to tease.

This is where the DVD burner will live.

This usually pops right out. Or so I've heard.

With these rails, it should snap right in. Should.

Should . . . ?

Should.

A word to the wires

Once the parts were installed, we had to make sure everything was plugged in and properly connected. Luckily, Sadie had a lot of background in electrical engineering, so we were good to go.

Some video cards don't need extra power. Heh, some.

This is the magically installed hard drive.

These plugs are from the hard drive and the DVD drive. I hope.

What’s done is done

And when there was no screw left to turn, and no plug left to dangle precariously over watery surfaces, we looked at what we had done. And it was delicious, so we ate it—the spaghetti, I mean. The computer was more like this.

This is Rocky.

That big tubed device is the CPU cooler. It looks fun.

The back side. This is called cable management. No fun.

It makes you want to shed a tear, doesn't it?

Ooh, shiny.

Rocky in his new home.

Well, that’s it, people. We have laughed, we have cried. Some of us have built computers. But this is the end of the road. Rocky has been a great computer so far, and he is very patient with me even though I am using him mostly for drawings and homework, and he is probably capable of single-handedly bringing down a major terrorist organization while simultaneously calculating the circumference of Saturn to fourteen decimal places. We’ll get to that, Rocky. We’ll get to that.

So, thanks for checking out the blog. We should do this again, sometime.

“What’s this called?” Sadie wondered, pointing the back end of her pen at the book in front of her.

“Sudoku,” I responded, actually a little surprised.

“I like it,” she decided, and continued working on the third row.

It was a grey Saturday morning, and at Mr. Kwon’s request we sat in the dining room of the Golden Dragon Thai Cuisine & Electronics Superstore™. He was helping someone pick out a printer. A few moments later, the customer had gone, and Mr. Kwon motioned us over. “Come,” he grinned. “This is the last thing I want to tell you.”

We sat at a table near the front of the restaurant, next to the scanners. “Data, power, and identity,” he began. “That is all.” He began to get up, but Sadie hit him on the cheek with a fried crab wonton.

“Sorry,” she grimaced. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Perhaps I should explain,” Mr. Kwon smiled, wiping his face with a handkerchief.

Gone, gone, Kwon

“I told you these three things, because these are the things that every part of your computer will need. If you make sure they have these things, you will yield great dividends.” Grabbing a mop from the kitchen, our teacher dealt two swift blows to back of my head. “Pay close attention, now,” he said. ”I will not tell you this again.”

The motherboard is the BRAIN of your computer. LOGIC, REFLEXES, and MEMORY are all part of it. The processor is the LOGIC, the RAM is the REFLEXES, and the hard drive is the MEMORY. When you have built it, you will understand.

He threw a chopstick directly at my face. I ducked. “See,” he said. “That’s what RAM does.” And he went on.

The optical drive is the MOUTH of the computer. It is the quickest passage from the outside of the computer to the inside. The video card is the EYES; your monitor only sees what the video card will allow.

He knelt down next to his chair, holding his fork next to the wall outlet. “I would be toast,” he began. “And so will your computer, unless you heed my words.”

The power supply is the HEART of the computer. A direct current from the wall outlet would be much too chaotic. A computer needs its power to be both plentiful and steady—a heartbeat, my students.

With that, Mr. Kwon removed his tool belt and walked back into the kitchen. He returned with a large cardboard box. “Here,” he exhaled, placing the box on the floor. “It is time for you to go. The student has become the teacher.”

We dragged the brown burden out to the parking lot and placed it in the back seat. We both understood what this meant. It was time. And as soon we got home, we would open the box.

As soon as I had finally narrowed it down—”CPU” was either a college or a wrestling federation—Sadie rolled over from her coloring spot on the carpet.

“Maybe it’s like LEGO™ blocks.”

Since I hadn’t asked her anything, I assumed she was practicing her English. Good girl. But I couldn’t help wondering what exactly may, to her mind, be very similar to colored plastic blocks. “What?”

“Nothing.”

One thing was for sure. We couldn’t return to the Thai Cousine & Electronics Superstore until we understood Mr. Kwon’s mystery paper. And that’s when it came to me; I frantically grabbed my wife’s netbook and did a Bing™ image search. Yes, the guy from Criminal Minds was the same guy from Dharma & Greg! I closed it. Wait, what was I doing, again?

At this, Sadie rose from her coloring memoirs, took the tiny laptop and typed three letters. She showed me the screen:

She may have been onto something.

“I think it’s that,” she remarked, and executed a flawless front roll back toward her memoirs.

The way I picture it

A parts list—it was so obvious, now. As I looked up the other parts on Mr. Kwon’s paper, I made a few notes to take with us on our next visit.

MOBO

Alias: Motherboard

Description: Like a large fiberglass Wheat Thin.™

CPU

Alias: Central Processing Unit (Processor)

Description: Like a normal-sized Wheat Thin;™ tastes like circuits.

HDD

Alias: Hard Disk Drive (Hard Drive)

Description: Heavy, like a VHS tape of Maya Angelou.

OD

Alias: Optical Drive (CD/DVD Drive)

Description: Like a delicious sandwich, but with more plastic in the front.

GPU

Alias: Graphics Processing Unit (Video Card)

Description: Heavier than a HDD, but not as heavy as Tolstoy.

RAM

Alias: Random Access Memory

Description: Like metal movie tickets.

PSU

Alias: Power Supply Unit (Power Supply)

Description: Like a stack of library books, with spaghetti spilling out.

Like a family

“Well done, my students,” Mr. Kwon smiled, looking mostly at Sadie. “Your journey is nearing its end.” He placed two plates of white rice in front of us.

“But how does all of this stuff work?” I asked, fiddling with a pair of chopsticks. I was beginning to think this computer building business was for much smarter people.

“Ah, the components of a computer system are like a family, my son. If you pour water on one of them, they will all stop working.”

“Hmm,” I thought. “Maybe you could just draw me a picture?”

“Gladly,” he responded. “It’s a bit like LEGO™ blocks.”

Sadie, have you done your homework?

So, where to begin? I think I need to bring you up to speed. You see, a big part of building a computer is know-how. Some might say it’s the only part. Regardless, the bottom line is that at the beginning of this, Sadie and I did-not. Normally, this would mean hours—nay days, nay weeks—of research, reading blogs and studying wikis. Luckily, we woke one morning to find a dagger with Thai markings on it stabbed into our front door. There was a note.

Seek me out, and I shall discipline you in the way of the Black Dragon™. Oh, and if there’s time left, I’ll help you with your computer.

Mr. Kwon

How we found him matters not—just know that it involved brownie mix, scissors, and a framed photo of Bill Cosby. What matters is that over the next 22 days, we frequented the Golden Dragon Thai Cuisine & Electronics Superstore, and Mr. Kwon did, indeed, teach us.

Easy as Pai

“Take this.”

Mr. Kwon  handed the piece of paper to the one he thought would best understand. Sadie looked it over.

IN CASE:

MOBO
CPU
HDD
OD
GPU
RAM
PSU

“What is it?” she wondered aloud.

“This is what you must find out,” replied Mr. Kwon, rolling a white cloth napkin around a knife and fork. “You must go to Pai, on a pilgrimage.”

Someone in the kitchen dropped a mouse pad.

“Or, you could Bing™ it.”

Ladies and gents, what you are about to witness is a landmark in human history. In the coming week(s), with God’s help, a seven-year-old and a monkey will build a computer.

Yes, I, Jermaine Walker, have enlisted the services of my stepdaughter, Sadie, to build us a personal computer for the purposes of e-mail, graphic design projects, Microsoft Word, and Webkinz™ (hey, we all have to make compromises). For this, we will of course need a computer of the same caliber as those used by the NASA space program. And while I am relying heavily on her know-how and horse sense to guide this project to its completion, I also need someone to blame if it doesn’t work appreciate the company.

The reasonable thing to do

So, “Why do this?” you ask. “Why not just step in line with the misguided masses, and purchase a black and grey box of mediocrity from Better Purchase™ or another fine electronics retailer?” Well, while I am a bit turned off by your elitist perspective, I will do my best to see past it and respond appropriately.

I dunno. Cause?

Actually, there are good, professional-sounding reasons I would put myself and my accomplice through weeks of grueling toil, but they are pretty boring, and I would require a soap box and a packet of ketchup. Just Bing™ it if you absolutely have to know.

Get on with it, already

So, thank you for joining us on this magical journey to the center of our own befuddling technology. I think there will be a few bumps, probably some tears, a shoe, safety scissors, a plate of spaghetti, Liam Neeson, and a Snuggie™. But in the end, hopefully we will have at least a pile of parts and the memories.

Stay tuned.

Bing [bing] verb. to Google, only different.
Snuggie [snuh - ghee] noun. a blanket with arm sleeves; revolutionary.